ARTICLE SUBMITTED FOR PUBLICATION ON CARERS- HEALINGSPUR FACING FRUSTRATION
Let’s face it: being a carer is hard work and as a result many of us end up finding ourselves depressed and stressed out. Since caring puts us, more often than not,
In a ‘no way out’ situation, is there a better approach to this whole ordeal, What I mean is if we can’t change the situation we’re in ( at least for the near future ) would changing our attitude make life easier?.
Well, recently I’ve been inspired by a new definition of patience. The idea being that there’s a whole lot more to patience than the typical putting up with massive queues at the local supermarket or zipping your lip when you feel like shouting. Rather its meaning would broaden to include the ability to remain undisturbed when facing difficulties, the ability to cope with all those unwanted situations that life throws at us without getting upset and angry. Seen from this perspective, patience would counteract our natural tendency to get either resentful or discouraged.
All very well you may say, but how are we supposed to go from despair and self pity to this feeling of empowerment? The answere is, by changing our habitual thought patterns. The way we think has a major impact in the way we think and act. Yes, it’s that simple and yet it can be incredibly difficult to do.
For starters, we need to acknowledge the situation we’re in and all those unpleasant feelings it triggers in us. It is hard to face our own pain and frustration fully. Like everybody else we want to be happy and yet the situation we find ourselves in is sometimes seen as an obstacle to our happiness or even a direct source of suffering. Many of us have had to give up our dreams and goals in order to care for someone else and now find ourselves with all sorts of unmet needs. For example, we all need appreciation, support, fun and laughter, rest and self worth, when these needs are unmet we end up feeling hurt, unappreciated, overwhelmed, exhausted… I’m sure you get the picture…
Regardless how we are feeling, other people will continue to do what they do, wether we like it or not. They’ll carry on not meeting our expectations and saying things we’d rather not hear, and you know what, holding on to resentment is like eating poison and expecting the other person to die. We can’t change other people, regardless how much we try! When we allow our minds to go round in circles with thoughts like ‘how dare he do this’ or ‘how dare she say that’…’ or why doesn’t he just…’ –WE are eating the poison. We can choose to stop, notice how those thoughts destroy our peace of mind and remember that resentment only hurts us.
No angry person is happy. This applies to other people’s anger too, it is hard to perceive people who are throwing their frustrations on us as unhappy and in need of understanding. But looking at my own anger I’ve noticed that actually I don’t seem to have much control over it, it’s not as if I think to myself ‘ I think I should get angry and then raise my voice - just in case someone who is near me might suddenly have gone deaf – and then I’ll carry on and purposefully hurt you.’ I find it helpful when the child I care for is overwhelmed by anger, his actions are actually out of his control at that moment and that, in his unskilful way, he is trying to communicate his own unmet needs.
I reckon that there is a lot to be gained from going through difficulties in life. For me, it has been a great way to let go of arrogance and that sense of being separate from others. I know, right down to my bones, that I am not alone and that right now, at this very moment, we’re all in the same boat, Yes, it’s a journey filled with difficulties, but you know what, We can deal with it.
Paula Jardim
Thank you Paula for sharing this with us and passing on your help and inspiration
